That is an extremely good question, and I am actually quite glad you asked.
If I might pre-empt this by saying that I use to hide that I have a disability from everyone. This is how I recieved the IT contracts with Cleveland Clinic, Department of Homeland Security, ADT securities, etc, etc, etc.
I thought that if I put my mind only on my work that I would overcome my disabled mind. It worked but only temporarily. The work was to much, and I became mentally sicker.
So I had to quit my efforts to work full time. I started my own company, "Integrity Technology Specialists". I thought hey I could own my own business and set my own hours, this way if I became sick, I could take time off and not affect anyones business but my own. My business at this point was a computer and repair business. I fought and struggled to develop any work. Finally I got a humongous break, and found a company that was going to sub contract me. My pay rate was up to $65/ hour. Initially it was done with relative ease, but in a short period of time, the travel and meeting people I did not know became to much for me to handle. I tried to subcontract work out to people, through a business associate. These were people that were also struggling(poverty, welfare system), but had a newly attained degree in Information Technology. They ones I subcontracted, failed on every level. The business that hired me as a sub contractor lossed a big client.
I still would not disclose my disabilty, and decided that considering my anxiety around people, it might be better for me to work from home only.
Hence a new dream(or delusion), was born. I then took my previous skills and experience and applied them to Web Development. I was able to develop a few clients(pro bono), but still had problems from my mental illness.
I continued to hide my disability in fear of societies response to me.
After having an extreme episode, I decided I had no choice but to disclose my disability.
So rather then saying to everyone "hey I am a great guy that will build a website for you for free", I decided to say "I am this really mentally sick guy that is trying to help society and give back when his disability takes so much".
The even bigger problem with this view point is that I am not alone. This "mental sickness" is in each and everyone one of us on some level.
The biggest problem is that most cannot even see they are a problem.
My website most certainly does say "nothing to offer but negativity and depravation from society. On a day to day basis he thinks of nothing but himself and what he can do to make his life and his life only, better. Although (your name) has had a few substantial accomplishments, he still is nothing more then a flawed entity that drains all that might come in his path, as it really is "all about me
This is not just me, it is human nature.
So my point in all of this is.........
If this insane monster has the ability to take responsibility and give back..............
why can't you?
At the same time, hopes of making an honest profit.
Not reality based?
For me, it is better to live this way then to live in reality.
I am what society calls " a mentally ill monster".
To make matters worse, I have a heart condition, sarcoidosis, asthma, severe sleep apnia, memory loss from several concussions, and a recent diagnosis of degenatarive disc disease.
This "delusion" of the idea I will ever be successful, gives me the ability to think and believe my life actually has real value, even though in my heart of hearts I feel it does not.
To make matters worse, I have passed on this wretched existence to my daughter, as at 12 years of age she has been diagnosed with a mental illness as well.
So it no longer becomes an option to not try and succeed. If I do not succeed, my daughter will be thrown into the public mental health system, which could have her drooling off of herself by the age of 25.
If I have the finances and abilities to accomplish business success, she can get GOOD PRIVATE help, and not the wretched public mental health that is provided.
So I will continue, without avail, on this "delusion" for a business, on the hopes that someday I might be successful.
Even if not, I have been given relief from the pain of my physcial ailments and my mental turmoil on a day to day basis.
As sick as I am I still want to accomplish something in my life other then "insanity".
