Please give me your feedback on the script below for a new marketing landing page:
Quickbackround: Hi I have spent almost 3 years building a new online NetWorth tracking portal for our clients to compliment our financial advisory
practice and we are offering it though our new company wealthoffice.com (site
not up yet). It has everythiong to build and maintain a financial plan, including real estate valuation and more.
We had a script made up that a voiceover person will say during a 60 second
flash presentation with graphics that illustrate the service; with the idea that if people are interested they will give
us their contact info and then we can follow up from there.
Anyways I received the script and since a majority of our clients are small
business owners I wanted to get some feedback from the community.
----
Script first draft: [Are you ready to fire your financial advisor?
Feel like your advisor calls only when there is another product to sell?
Well now there is a better way. +Introducting \"Wealth
Office\"+. \"Wealth Office\" is a revolutionary new
approach to financial planning. This unique, integrated, interactive
portal provides a live financial blueprint and allows you to self-monitor your
portfolio, with the support and expertise of a personal wealth advisor to help
you along the way. With typical financial planners, your plan is outdated
the second it is printed. The lengthy drawn-out process of repetitive
meetings that result in out-dated information is a thing of the past.
Take charge of your portfolio. Take charge of your net worth. Take
charge, with Wealth Office. And now you can get started risk free.
Just fill out the secure form below to get a 60 day, no-risk, money back
guarantee. Wealth Office, building net-worth with individual advice.
Quickbackround: Hi I have spent almost 3 years building a new online NetWorth tracking portal for our clients to compliment our financial advisory
practice and we are offering it though our new company wealthoffice.com (site
not up yet). It has everythiong to build and maintain a financial plan, including real estate valuation and more.
We had a script made up that a voiceover person will say during a 60 second
flash presentation with graphics that illustrate the service; with the idea that if people are interested they will give
us their contact info and then we can follow up from there.
Anyways I received the script and since a majority of our clients are small
business owners I wanted to get some feedback from the community.
----
Script first draft: [Are you ready to fire your financial advisor?
Feel like your advisor calls only when there is another product to sell?
Well now there is a better way. +Introducting \"Wealth
Office\"+. \"Wealth Office\" is a revolutionary new
approach to financial planning. This unique, integrated, interactive
portal provides a live financial blueprint and allows you to self-monitor your
portfolio, with the support and expertise of a personal wealth advisor to help
you along the way. With typical financial planners, your plan is outdated
the second it is printed. The lengthy drawn-out process of repetitive
meetings that result in out-dated information is a thing of the past.
Take charge of your portfolio. Take charge of your net worth. Take
charge, with Wealth Office. And now you can get started risk free.
Just fill out the secure form below to get a 60 day, no-risk, money back
guarantee. Wealth Office, building net-worth with individual advice.

